Parenting – Dealing with the D Word
“Before I was married I had three theories about raising children. Now I have three children and no theories.” – John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester
(Proverbs 3:11-12 NIV) My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in
Discipline is training that corrects, mold, or strengthens a person’s mental faculties and character
Proverbs 1:7 NIV – The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools[a] despise wisdom and instruction.
Our instructions to our children is not better than God’s. If we think that then we are a fool.
Don’t despise what God has to say to in His word concerning your family.
•It is natural for children to do wrong. We are to deal wisely with them. Not to leave them to the guidance of their own will. As children, we need to think for them, judge for them, and act for them. They do not know what is good for their mind & soul, anymore what is good for their body. We are teaching and training them.
Four Problem Parenting Styles Today
- Dependent Parents: Goal is to control their child’s behavior and feelings.
- Domineering Parents: To Control their child’s behavior
- Doting Parents: To Control their child’s Feelings
- Detached Parents: To Avoid Responsibility for their failure
Our Goal: Discipling Parents: To Develop Christlike Character in their Child. So they can become wise, secure, confident, compassionate, & Caring.
Discipline is correction driven by love.
(Hebrews 12:5-6 NIV) “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves…”
(Proverbs 19:18 NIV) “Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.” Discipline isn’t something you do to your child, but for your child.
Parents, we need to understand that there is a major battle going on for who is going to be in charge in our households, and this is a battle that we must win, and we must win it decisively. If you find yourself consistently nagging and yelling and bribing and threatening, you are losing the battle and the tide must turn, and it must turn now. But you say, “I don’t want to be mean to my kids. I don’t want to discipline my kids.” This is what someone told me years ago.
DISCIPLINE ISN’T SOMETHING YOU DO TO YOUR CHILD, BUT FOR YOUR CHILD.
Proverbs 13:24 NIV – Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.
“A child who has not been disciplined with love by his little world will be disciplined without love by the great big world.” Zig Ziglar
Correct Discipline will…Cause Children to respect their parents, to do right, and live at peace
•Children need your TIME – 100 years ago, parents spent 54% of waking hours with their children, Today it is less than 15%
•It’s easy to come in after a high pressured day, preoccupied with life and all its ups and downs. Childhood is too short to waste and an open heart and mind is to precious to ignore. Make time!
•There is no magical number of minutes but you can maximize opportunities to interact, engage in conversations, & stay connected to their world. You have ONE shot & a limited time period to raise champion children.
Tell them you love them EVERYDAY! Hug them! Kiss them! Don’t be afraid to share your heart. There is nothing wrong with that. Contrary to how you were raised. If not, they will feel rejected!
Don’t spend all the time criticizing them and pointing out their weaknesses. Your words have power and your children will become what your words say about them.
Be a stimulator instead of a reactor.
1. Lifeguard Parents: Often rescue a child from consequences.
Little Johnny’s in trouble. Super mom sweeps in to save the day. “Oh, little Johnny, it’s going to be okay. I’ll save you again!” Okay? How do you know if you are a lifeguard parent? Well, you are a lifeguard parent if you delivered little Johnny his lunch three or more times in the last semester because he forgot his lunch. If little Johnny’s a sophomore in college, you’re the worst kind of lifeguard parent there is. Okay? It’s not allowing our children to face the consequences of their own sins. Now, why is it so important to let them face their consequences?
(Galatians 6:7 NIV) “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.”
In other words, in God’s divine economy, He set up the world with a system of consequences. You live according to His Word and there will be blessings. You live outside of the parameters of His Word, and there will be consequences. We must give our children the gift of facing the consequences of bad decisions.
Kids must have some responsibility – ex: our kids
2. Etch-A-Sketch Parents: Often inconsistent.
You know what an Etch-A-Sketch is? Yeah, they use it for computers in Arkansas. It’s kind of like a [laughter] just joking, okay?
An Etch-A-Sketch is a little dillymagetchee. It is about the size of my Bible. It’s got little knobs on it, and what happens if you turn the little knob? What do you make? The lines, right? And then, what happens if you shake it up? Where did it go? They disappear. A lot of us, we’ve got some lines in our households, and then, the next day, the lines move. And our kids are saying, “Where are the lines? Where are the boundaries?” We are inconsistent oftentimes as parents.
(Proverbs 29:15, 17 NIV) “The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother…Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.”
Notice, scripture doesn’t say discipline them today and then not tomorrow. Have one line here today and then shake it up and let the line move tomorrow. A lot of our kids want to know, where are the lines? Why are they always moving?
we can be Nazi parents one day, all in line, and the next day we are like cruise ship director, “the love boat,”
•Being inconsistent is provoking your child. Yes means yes and no means no. Don’t waffle. No game of begging and pleading until you change your answer. If you play this one, they win every time.
Be consistent, don’t promise what you can’t deliver – If you’re constantly changing the rules and making promises you can’t fulfill, STOP. (example – if you don’t stop Im going to give you a time out. they don’t stop and then you don’t what you said – by product – you are a liar)
3. Split Decision Parents: Often divided.
(Amos 3:3 NIV) “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?”
1. We expect first time and cheerful obedience.
(Colossians 3:20 NIV) “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.”
“The thing that impresses me most about America is the way the parents obey their children.” Edward, Duke of Windsor
(Philippians 2:14 NIV) “Do everything without complaining or arguing.”
•Discipline more for attitude than actions.
2. We agree to never discipline in anger.
(Ephesians 4:26 NIV) “In your anger do not sin.”
Most parents discipline according to their moods. (good mood- let it go, bad mood – scream & overreact) = rebellion and frustration in them.
Harsh yelling, belittlement, nagging, name calling, or degradation of your child – wounds their spirit, causes low self esteem and behavior problems. Critique the behavior not the child.
What about Spanking? Only when a child defies your authority.
Proverbs 23:13-14 NIV – Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die. Punish them with the rod and save them from death.
Purpose: is for the child to associate wrong doing with pain.
•Never spank in anger or revenge, but rather in sorrow. “This hurts me more than it hurts you”
•Discipline in Private, not in the presence of others
•Explain the reason Why
•Verbally and physically comfort your child immediately after
•Spanking should be used only when productive. (Some children don’t require spanking to be repentant: others don’t respond to spanking)
Proverbs 22:15 NLT – A youngster’s heart is filled with foolishness, but physical discipline will drive it far away.
3. We will discipline promptly with instruction and reconciliation.
(Ephesians 6:4 NIV) “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
Proverbs 22:6 NIV – Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
Take Every Opportunity to teach your Children Spiritual Truths
Deuteronomy 6:5-7 NIV – Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.