Give you some ground rules for this Message
1. Listen for yourself – No elbows – Listen for yourself – This is for YOU
2. Your going to hear God’s standard and feel like this is too tough
Look how far I am from God’s standard – Don’t be discouraged
Let me be clear, Jesus came to make ALL things new
You get a DO OVER everybody – Don’t get discouraged
Average marriage in America lasting only 3 years
I believe God will help heal marriages that are broken, strengthen marriages that are struggling, and launch marriages that are just beginning
How we handle conflict has the potential to destroy our marriage or set it up for success
- Lyndon B Johnson said, “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she is having her way, And second, Let her have it.”
- A man who gives in when he’s wrong is wise. A man who gives in when he’s right is married.
- Red Skeleton said, I married miss right, I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
- After winning an argument with his wife, the wisest thing a man can do is apologize
- Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. he didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about how well his mother cooked.
Romans 12:2 NLT Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
A good marriage is built by two people’s capacity to adjust to bad things – Everyone Has Conflict. While we are on our way to heaven many times our marriage feels like hell.
Everyone knows marriage is no picnic. Even if it is, it sometimes rains. Sometimes good marriages bump into bad things
Having conflict in your marriage does not mean that you don’t love each other, but how you deal with the conflict shows whether or not you love each other. (I want to say this again, so important you get this)
If you’re sitting here today and you’re concerned about your marriage…
And you’ve been fighting, take a deep breath and know that conflict is completely normal
Four Causes of Conflict
1. Poor communication.
Remember, Every time you open your mouth, your mind walks out and parades up and down the words.
Psalm 141:3 NIV Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.
Attack the problem (conflict) not each other – Because all of us are wired to “win” So in the middle of dealing with conflict we always try to find the knockout punch
Proverbs 6:2 NIV – you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that
it has taken place. ~George Bernard Shaw
Matthew 12:36-37 MSG “Let me tell you something: Every one of these careless words is going to come back to haunt you. There will be a time of Reckoning. Words are powerful; take them seriously. Words can be your salvation. Words can also be your damnation.”
Conflicts arise when there is disconnection between what we say to each other and how we say it.
Example: Woman is looking into the mirror and says to her husband, “Honey I feel bad about myself. I look fat and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment. The husband replied, “You have perfect eyesight!”
James 3:5-6 NIV “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire…it sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.”
2. Unfulfilled expectations/needs.
The ups and downs of life can actually strengthen your marriage if you adjust your expectations accordingly.
James 4:1-2 NIV What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.
Example: Each others expectations of each other
3. Despising differences.
Mark 3:25 NIV If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.
Ephesians 2:14 NIV For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility.
Differences concerning…Sex….Money…Music….Movies, etc….
4. Sin nature.
Romans 3:23 NLT For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.
(Ecclesiastes 7:20 NLT) There is not a single person in all the earth who is always good and never sins.
Romans 8:5-6 NIV Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.
Four Ways to Deal with Conflict
1. My way.
2. Your way.
3. Half way.
4. God’s way – He is the answer to conflict
Resolve the Conflict
Ecclesiastes 3:1-5 NIV There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: 2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
Ephesians 2:12-14 NIV – 12 remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world. 13 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ.14 For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility,
Conflict cannot continue without my participation.
- Ask God For Help
James 4:2 NIV – 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.
Matthew 7:7-8 ESV – 7 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.
If you are not clear, Faith cannot bring you what you want, need, or desire. a mixed frequency with your asking may produce no results. Get SPECIFIC with God and ASK Him.
I John 5:14-15 NIV – This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 15 And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.
2. Act Do Not React.
“A person who overreacts in a situation with another person values the situation more than the relationship.”
Ephesians 4:26-27 NIV “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
Refrain from having reruns of old arguments
How many times have you gotten into a small fight or conflict
But it blew up into something huge because past mistakes got brought up?
Romans 12:19-21 NIV Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
3. Speak Words of Life
Communication in our relationships is not a luxury its a necessity.
If you want to change your marriage, change the words you speak.
Proverbs 15:4 NIV – The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.
Ephesians 4:29 NIV – Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Proverbs 12:18 NIV – The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
4. Be Quick To Forgive
Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling. It is an act of our will. It cannot be earned, it can only be given.
When you forgive you open up an invitation for the Holy Spirit to give you His peace and Joy in your relationship
Colossians 3:13 NIV – Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
“Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.” ~Anne Lamont
Unforgiveness is the breeding ground for destruction in a marriage
Ephesians 4:32 NIV – Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Make love and Forgiveness your default mode. It should always be an automatic setting in your heart when you are mistreated.
A life time is a long time to live with bitterness and resentment towards your spouse or someone
If I have to say to you that I forgive you, it’s harder for me to hold on to it
A maturity in Marriage is – 1. Giving and 2. Forgiving
1 Corinthians 13:5 MSG (Love) doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always “me first,” doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others.
Don’t Stop Loving
In the Movie Stepmom – There is a husband and his wife who get a divorce. He is out with his children for his weekend. He is trying to explain the divorce to his kids because they keep asking why he doesn’t live with them, etc…They ask him “Don’t you love mommy anymore? He said, No I guess I don’t love your Mommy anymore. They said, “Didn’t you used to love her? He said, Yes, but I guess I fell out of love.” Then the little boy looks up at his dad and says, “Dad, can a parent fall out of love with their children?”
1 John 4:8-11 MSG The person who refuses to love doesn’t know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can’t know him if you don’t love. This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they’ve done to our relationship with God. My dear, dear friends, if God loved us like this, we certainly ought to love each other.
Never stop holding hands, Never stop Dancing, Never stop saying I love you!
Matthew 22:34-40 NIV – Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. 35 One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: 36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” 37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
God Can Heal YOU and your Relationship
Lamentations 5:21 MSG Bring us back to you, GOD—we’re ready to come back. Give us a fresh start.
Jesus, forgive me for all of my sins, I give my life to you, make me brand new. I believe you died for me so that I can live. Fill me with your spirit that I would know you, & serve you with my life. My life is not my own, I give it to you. Thank you for loving me, in Jesus name, Amen!
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